Ferris Wheels and Melancholy... Finally Explained

I haven't written for several days. I have had a difficult and rather unique week, to say the least. The story starts back on Tuesday, with my last blog post. The story of the ferris wheels begins with that post. so if you haven't yet read that one, please start there.

The evening of that post, a strange melancholy swept over me. I went to bed. I woke up Wednesday morning to find that the inexplicable feeling of sadness was still with me. All day I felt apathetic about life, like nothing at all meant anything to me. Feeling this way without any reason, without anything provoking it, was such a foreign feeling to me, so it was very uncomfortable to experience. I drew my daily tarot cards, and the first card I drew was the Nine of Cups. The only thing that popped into my mind was that it was just a larger version of the Seven of Cups I had drawn the day before. The cups were arranged in the same way, there were just more of them. A bigger ferris wheel, I thought. I didn't even bother with the other cards that came after it. I just put the cards back in the deck and turned on the TV. The movie that happened to be on at that exact time, on that exact channel was The Notebook. And I had turned it on at precisely the Ferris Wheel scene. But I was feeling too icky to be curious and intrigued about it. As the day passed, I wondered where this funk was coming from. It was disturbing to me that I couldn't shake it, and as nothing was provoking it, I felt nothing could be done to get rid of it. I wondered if maybe, for the first time in my life, I was experiencing PMS. But that was far fetched... I mean, why now, after all these years? I went to bed, hoping for a better next day.

Thursday morning... The cloud of melancholy greeted me in the morning, only now it was stronger. This is nothing I have ever experienced before. It was so uncharacteristic of me. I just don't get sad for no reason. So how could I possibly be feeling sad about nothing at all? I took out my cards, and drew the Nine of Cups again, and again I disregarded the following two cards. I saw only the "bigger ferris wheel" again.

After pulling that card, I put the deck away and turned to an envelope my daughter had made. It was full of little things she had made for my mother for her upcoming birthday. I opened it, and there was a drawing she had made of a ferris wheel. I called her over and asked her what made her draw a ferris wheel. She shrugged her shoulders and said she didn't know. She just thought Grandma would have fun riding on one.

From there, I went straight to my computer and went to Amazon to look up some new chapter books to read to my kids at night. I wanted to write down some titles to take with us on our next library trip. As I was searching, I followed links for recommended books based on the genre I was browsing. In the next few minutes, I came across two books featuring ferris wheels on the covers. My search had absolutely nothing to do with carnivals or anything of the sort.

I spent the day in the same sad state, wanting desperately to just snap out of it. That evening I turned on the TV. I never watch the news, but as I flipped the channels, I caught a glance of CNN. Michael Jackson was in the hospital. Then minutes later, he was reported to be in a coma. Then a couple minutes after that, his death was confirmed. My melancholy had found its match instantly. It wasn't there for no reason anymore. It was the exact same vibration. It felt almost like something clicked into place. Finally my sadness found its reason. It was horrible and a relief at the same time. I cried. I cried for Michael, not because of his death, but because of his life. I imagine he must have been such a lonely, lost soul feeling so out of place here. I sensed that his death could only have come as a welcome release for him.

I only watched the news reports on his death for about an hour. But in that span of time, they showed footage from his Neverland ranch. I was struck, quite powerfully, when the image of his giant ferris wheel was displayed. Again, there was that immediate click. A match. Everything that I had been experiencing for the past few days, all the ferris wheels, the unexplainable sadness, it all came together and everything was suddenly clear.

I lit a candle for Michael Jackson, I lifted a prayer for him, I sent him my overwhelmingly heartfelt wish that his spirit was finally free and at peace. I took a bath, shed my tears in the bath water while feeling a very intense spiritual connection with this man I had never met, and deliberately released this oddly strong connection I had with the time leading to his death. I watched a funny movie with my kids and went to bed.

I woke up on Friday morning happy. And so, so thrilled to discover happiness again. Happy for no reason feels SO much better than sad for (apparently) no reason, let me tell you. There was, of course, some sadness still, but again, not for his death as much as for the painful life he suffered through. But my melancholy was gone. I was back to myself, albeit a little weak from the last few days. Feeling normal again was an astounding feeling, I felt so grateful just to be back to a place where my emotions actually made sense to me. I took out my cards and the first one I drew was the Nine of Cups again. For the third day in a row, it was the first card that I pulled. That has never happened to me before. The Nine of Cups is the wish-come-true card, so I can only believe that this means that a wish has come true. I like to think that it is Michael's spirit, finally in a wonderful place.

I look back to the last post I shared on Tuesday. The original ferris wheel card, along with the Two of Wands and Six of Swords. The Two of Wands can be seen as a doorway through which one walks through. And I did see that when I first looked at the cards, but didn't write it. (At that time, the cards didn't appear to me to be about anyone else.) And the Six of Cups is moving on to a more peaceful place. I do so hope, with all my heart, that he has indeed passed on to such a place.

I don't know why this happened to me this week. Of course, as a child, I loved Michael Jackson. My mother played his music all the time. But he wasn't someone who I would consider one of my favorite artists. Maybe it's because I know what it's like to be misunderstood (though by no means on the same level as he was). Wanting to live a life of love, yet facing criticism for my choices because they weren't mainstream. No one can ever know what this man felt in his heart and soul, but for some reason, I feel like I can physically and spiritually sense a bit of what it felt like for him. However, I will probably never know why my spirit was aligned with his this week. Maybe his spirit was reaching out to others in its last earthly days, those in whom he could find acceptance and love, and I happened to be open at the time to receiving him.

This experience took a lot out of me, as it was very physically and emotionally draining, but it's something I will always remember with awe.